There
is a beautiful Prayer of Preparation that comes at the beginning of the
Communion service, in both the Book of
Common Prayer (1662) and Common
Worship (2000). In its contemporary form, it goes:
‘Almighty
God, to whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets
are hidden: cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy
Spirit, that we may perfectly love you, and worthily magnify your holy name;
through Christ our Lord. Amen.’
It
comes before the Prayers of Penitence, where we confess and receive absolution
for our sins. You see, though we need to acknowledge our sin, that is not the
starting point. Our starting point, in preparing to come before Almighty God,
is to know ourselves as known, and
loved. The secret desires of our hearts are known to God; not least because,
directly or indirectly, God placed them there. The hopes and dreams we dare not
share with anyone else, lest they should laugh at us or handle our hearts
roughly. The deep desires we hide even from ourselves, shut away behind a
locked door in our hearts because they are too scary to let out—because who am I
to harbour such dreams? because if we were to admit them, who knows where it might
lead? but, chances are, only to disappointment. Of course, if the Season of
Easter tells us anything, it tells us that locked doors are no barrier to the risen
Jesus.
The
world, after all—as Jesus recognised—is a scary place for dreamers, for those
who acknowledge the desires God has entrusted to them. Like the first
disciples, we hide, in fear. But when our hopes are deferred too long, the
heart grows weary and sick. Like Abraham and Sarah, waiting for a child, we are
tempted to take matters into our own hands. In scripture, the heart is the seat
of the will, of our God-given ability to choose for ourselves how we will
respond. That is why the prayer continues in confidently asking our loving
Father to cleanse the thoughts of our hearts, that so easily get bent out of
shape or become calcified. This is pre-emptive, proactive, before the need for
confession. We pray with confidence in the One who declared through the prophet
Ezekiel:
‘A
new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will
remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.’ (Ezekiel 36:26)
The
secret desires of the heart feature in our reading from Acts, as the disciples find themselves held in that expectant place
between the ascension of Jesus and the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. Peter
senses that they need someone to step into the place abdicated by Judas. It
needed to be one who had been a witness to all that Jesus did and taught from his
baptism until his ascension, with emphasis on his resurrection. Two candidates
are proposed, Joseph and Matthais. ‘Then they prayed and said, “Lord, you know
everyone’s heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen to take the place
in this ministry and apostleship…”’ (Acts
1:24, 25)
I
wonder what was going on in their hearts? I wonder whether one (or both) was
silently praying ‘Please pick me’ and
the other (or both) silently praying, ‘Please
pick him’? After all, they both knew what it was to be part of the wider
group of disciples from the beginning, but overlooked for a place in the
limelight, among the Twelve. Was this a second chance, a moment to step up? Or,
the risk of disappointment for an unbearable second time? And what of their
hearts when the lots were drawn? Relief? Disappointment? Or the joy Jesus
prayed would be made complete in them? Joy for themselves—in receiving affirmation
or in knowing contentment—and for the other—in their ‘success’ or in being
spared the weight of responsibility of stepping into a traitor’s shoes?
I
get the very strong impression that either candidate would have been the right
one. Both recommended, the group could not decide between them. I don’t think Joseph
was not chosen because of some hidden fault, but because the Lord, who knows
everyone’s heart, knew what was best for both men, and for the community. A
win-win situation.
And
what of us? Each of us have a heart-full of desires, some cherished and some
locked-away; some fulfilled, some fulfilled though not in the ways we would
ever have imagined, and others unfulfilled. They make us, us: me, rather than you; you, rather than me; and us, as a community called together by
God, in order that—cleansed by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit—we might love
God more perfectly and magnify his name more worthily. The process is both a
mystery and a holy adventure. Come, Holy Spirit. Show us our place in the body
of Christ. Amen.
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